Vita's Tip In 10: When Delivering Feedback, Do This First

Hello, hello, friend! Welcome back to another episode of Vita's Tip in 10. Today, we're diving into the delicate art of giving feedback, a topic that's relevant in our professional lives and resonates with us on a personal level as well.

I find myself bringing you this content today based on a couple of recent instances in my own life where I had to navigate the tricky waters of giving feedback. It's fascinating how these situations unfold, and I believe sharing these experiences can shed light on a crucial aspect of communication.

In my personal scenario, I had to provide feedback that wasn't necessarily a pat on the back. It was a bit tricky, and I admit I felt a twinge of nervousness even though I'm accustomed to giving feedback. In this situation, I wanted to be extra kind and sensitive. So, here's the secret sauce that I often follow.

Before giving the constructive portion of the feedback, before telling them what you’d like to see instead of what they are doing, make sure you are on the same page about the situation at hand.

Now, instead of expressing how I felt or assigning value to their actions, I took a pause. I wanted to ensure we shared a common understanding of what transpired. So, I asked, "Did you feel this way? Is that your read of the situation? Was that your takeaway?" To my surprise, their perspective differed.

In this particular instance, the feedback revolved around the person becoming defensive and exhibiting a bit of snappiness when receiving ad hoc input from team members. Others on the team had expressed discomfort engaging with this person due to this behavior. Despite having many things to discuss, I decided to make this feedback the focal point of our conversation.

I started by saying: I’ve observed something and I want to have a conversation about it. I’ve noticed that at times there is a bit of defensiveness in your actions. A bit of lashing out on a person who is actually trying to help. A bit of prickliness.

Now, instead of expressing how I felt or assigning value to their actions, I took a pause. I wanted to ensure we shared a common understanding of what transpired. So, I asked, "Did you feel this way? Is that your read of the situation? Was that your takeaway?" To my surprise, their perspective differed.

They had NO idea that they were being defensive!! The good part, is that they didn’t get defensive about that, they accepted it as the possibility and said they’ll monitor it.

Now, I understand that not all feedback conversations go this smoothly. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. It reminded me of a similar situation back in my corporate days at Lenox, China, where a coworker was visibly annoyed with me. It turned out that something as simple as me sighing irritated her – something I had no clue about. That incident happened over 20 years ago, and it's a testament to how we each perceive things differently and sometimes aren't even aware of our own behaviors.

As I share this experience, I want to emphasize a crucial point. Before getting frustrated, mad, or lashing out at someone, consider this: the first step in giving effective feedback is ensuring that both parties understand what exactly is being discussed. Even in seemingly black and white situations, it's vital to confirm that you both see the circumstances in the same light.

Even as I recorded this episode, a similar situation unfolded in my dance class, reminding me once again of the importance of this foundational step. You know how much I love taking my ballroom dance classes, and even competing. My teacher and I had an argument about what he thought was a dismissive reaction to one of his pieces of feedback, where I not only did not feel like I was dismissive, I was irritated and frustrated with myself that I couldn't quite get the move as correctly as he wanted me to do.

If it happened to me multiple times, it's a safe bet it has happened to you too. It's intriguing how often we forget this simple step in the heat of the moment.

So, my friend, my tip in 10 for you today is this: before you dive into feedback, before you express frustration or annoyance, the first and foremost step is ensuring both of you are on the same page about what exactly is causing the concern. It sounds simple, perhaps obvious, and it's surprising how often we overlook it.

That's a wrap for today's episode of Vita’s Tip in 10! If you're craving more insights into team management, mindset shifts, CEO strategies, or digital project management tools, you're in luck.

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